Royal Hill

Well that was all a bit wonderful and beautiful but somehow I have just made things worse.

Anyway - Top Tips for visitors to Montreal.

1. When someone from Montreal tells you to bring good boots, a thick coat and long johns - bring good boots, a thick coat and long johns - seriously.

2. Handy vocab:

Montrealian - English
Warm - Fucking cold
Cold - Really fucking cold
Fucking Cold - Don't go outside

3. Montrealians mostly speak French and will try to initiate conversations with you in French but don't let this fool you - simply pretend you can't understand what they are saying, normally three "Huh?"s in a row will do it, finally they will crack and confess to speaking prefect English.

4. Make sure you are shown around by a beautiful woman - not only will she show you the best places but if you ever tire of looking at the stylish and elegant city she will be something pleasant to look at. However in winter this may be harder than it sounds because she will be mostly obscured by snow flurries and the hood of her parker. Remember to feed her regularly with coffee and cake to keep her happy.

5. In the winter Montrealians go to live in a big underground cave. If you are invited down don't be scared - it is not a Morlockian underworld where they survive the winter by eating moss that grows on the walls but a rather pleasant anarchically laid out labyrinth of malls filled with chic and reasonably priced shops that goes on for miles.

6. Go to Rue Saint Denis - it is a bit like Camden High St but colder.

7. Go to Rue Sainte Catherine - it is a bit like Oxford St but colder.

8. The History of Montreal goes a bit like this: Iroquois turn up and think "Hmm... this is a nice spot" and build a village, the French turn up and think "Hmm... this is a nice spot", kick the Iroquois out and build a town, the British turn up with a big fuck off army and think "Hmm... this is a nice spot", say "You see all this shit here - this all belongs to us now. Got a problem with that?" and then ship in some Irish to run the pubs. But if you want to know more go to "Pointe-à-Callière, Montréal museum of archaeology and history"

9. Go to the Montréal botanical gardens they have lots of cacti that look like cocks.

10. Don't be put off if you go the only weekend of the year it is completely overcast - when the sun comes out Montreal is stunningly beautiful.

11. All Canadians love ice hockey don't try or pretend to understand.

12. Only Canadians understand the difference between Quebecois and Canadians don't try or pretend to understand.

13. Don't worry about a thing. Montreal is the least threatening big city in the world. Even the tramps arguing over a vial of crack in the red light district step aside to make room to let you pass.