Jazz, Eva and a Mockney Monkey

I was going to write a piece about the Jazz club I was going to go to with a couple of friends last night. I was hoping I could tell you all about my pleasant bourgeois evening of witty conversation, interesting music, flowing bourbon and smelly foreign cigarettes but alas there was some unpredictable critical errors in the planning* so I ended up at home watching the highly enjoyable medieval romp Kingdom of Heaven.

Now it is probably worthy of review, elf boy does an acceptable job and the alluring Eva Green is teeth achingly hot (oh dear - I fear another crush coming on, sorry Keira, it is not me, it is you** ) but it is a tad predicable and cliché so I can't be bothered.

So instead (hopefully not sounding too much like a tired old comedian) - let's see what is in the news {rustles paper} .

Ah ... I see. Well it was inevitable really wasn't it? As sure as the well oiled cogs of causality make sun rise in the morning - it was waiting to happen.

If you start teaching monkeys to use money eventually you will teach an evil genius monkey who will start counterfeiting money with slices of cucumber!!! You fools!!

I know what you are going to say - and there are probably more important things for me to worry about like - global warming, the war on terror (how *do* you have a war with a noun?) and who Keira Knightly will go out with next now I've dumped her (it is never completely over) but just think of the consequences.

The evil genius monkey is clearly going to escape, take over the underworld of east end criminal gangs and start an over-whelming spree of vegetable based monkey crime. The next thing you know Guy Ritchie will only go and make a bleedin' film about it won't he? He will only go and fackin call it "Two smoking monkeys and barrel of cockney cants" or something! It will have lines in it like "You trying to make me look like some sort of fackin cant?! It's fackin cucamba!" for christs sake! {starts sobbing} He will give a part to Sting!! Sting!!!! Acting!! The horror!! {starts wailing} There could even be a bit part for Madonna!!! For the love of baby Jesus no!!! Was it really worth it? Was it? Won't anyone think of the children... etc etc.

* No one could make it and the place shut down 6 months ago.

** I have been having a fantasy relationship with Keira Knightly for the last two years. I like her a lot but recently the spark has gone out of our relationship. It is not that I don't fancy her - I do but we just don't have much in common or anything to talk about. She is well a bit .. well dull. Eva on the other hand - hubahuba.